He set down on the bench in the park that morning not knowing what is coming for him. If he had known he would have bought a few more donuts from the bakery. He did not know traveling in space was going to be such a long ride. He liked that he had the flexibility in his job to be able to eat breakfast in the park and work did not care. He wrote ads for companies and none of the marketing departments wanted meetings before 2 pm. He did not know that he was going to be kidnapped by imcompentent aliens that were looking for a mercenary. They thought all humans could do the job because they used tv newscasts and movies as research. They picked the wrong man because he could tell a story but military strategy was not in his knowledge. The aliens did not understand, had they kidnapped a soldier they would have had a better chance. The aliens came from a species that uses telepathy to communicate. The ad man they had picked up could sell you the sizzle of anything.
He woke in a white void and realized he had a donut still in his hand and a work bag next to him. He was very confused by this situation. A door opened and some strange creatures walked in and they spoke through a box around their necks like a rapper from the 90s. They said we need your help to save our planet. We are fighting a war against an invading force. We have researched earth and all its communication systems. You will be violent against them and defeat them for us. We have seen the destruction you can do. We need your mercenary skills to save our people. The man said I think you got the wrong human for the job. I make ads and tell a story for a living. I have no training with weapons of warfare. The aliens said you can help you are human. We have no time to go back to pick up a different human. You will be destructive for us and save us all from them. He ate the rest of his donut and hoped they had food he could eat. He really did not understand why they picked them. He was not a violent person. He asked what communication system did you monitor and they said tv news and movies. All the data that showed humans were dangerous and that was exactly what we needed. You will save our planet and use your violence to save my planet.
He thought that he could write some press releases but saving their planet was not one of his skills. The aliens sorta looked like a lizard and a parrot had been crossed. The man with warfare skills just layed in the corner of the white void worried about what would happen when he could not save their planet from some other aliens. He asked for some water and food and a chair and all three things popped up in the white void like magic. He siped the water and it tasted fine and the food looked like oatmeal but tasted like chicken which was better than he expected. He wondered if they could make coffee too. He wondered as he ate chicken flavored oatmeal what would happen if they lost. Well no sense in being a bummer now and he thought I just go deal with it and the worse outcome I die.
They put him in some kind egg shaped chamber that said he would sleep til they got there. If he was a smarter human he would wonder how they got that to work but he sold products and that was not really his concern unless it came in more colors.
The man woke up and they gave him a shot of something and he felt right as rain afterwards. He could sell those on earth no problem just wondering what the side effects were, guess he would find out. Nothing like being a guinea pig. The aliens took him to a small craft and they flew down to the surface of a swirly bluish colored planet but a little bigger than earth. He was introduced to a general and the president and they seemed to have all confidence in their world in him. He decided that he best played along or he might anger them more. They gave him briefing after briefing about the size of their forces and great big ships and the smaller faster ships. The enemy looked like a snack and parrots were crossed and if he had been a little smarter he would have asked if they had common ancestors but that was not asked. They had big ships and little fast ships too but they were different colors. The man just wondered if they could make coffee so he asked and they searched the database and found him a Latte type thing and it actually was a pretty good replica of one. He was happy for just a little while longer before the war started which was going to be in a day apparently all sides had agreed on a time and it was set. If he had gone to war college he would have known that was not a normal thing to do but he just sold ads. He decided that he would send out a press release about the battle and used his best ad skills to come up with a document that showed his side prevailing in the war and how badly the other side was doing. He sold like the sizzle on a steak without any real specifics because he did not have any and it really did not matter. He said their ships were faster and more powerful and could blow up one of their ships with a blast. He was quite proud of this document and figured it would be the last thing he would do if the lizard parrots lost. He told them to send it out and they did not seem to understand. The general said none of the specifications were true. What the man did not know about a telepathic race is they cant lie to each other or even slightly deceive others. It was a concept that had not been invented in a society where your thoughts are broadcast around. Cover ups were not an option in this world. They did not understand and the other side apparently must be similar to them. The man said send it out.
They listened to him because they had believed he was a great mercenary from a planet that could defeat a whole army with one man. This press release was broadcast throughout the planet and the other side picked it up. After an hour of it being sent out the other side surrendered and a settlement was made between the two sides. The man was celebrated but they took him back to earth after a parade because they did not want this lying thing to get out. They put him back down on the bench he was on and he was reported missing so the police had many questions for him to answer. He did not really have any good answers so he just made something and went home. He checked his bank account and the aliens had paid him a lot because they were missing decimals and he decided to go somewhere warm for a while.
Amelio's Palace of Stories 